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WHEN ALARM BELLS SHOULD RING:
Recognizing Personality Disorders
By
Susan Schwartz Senstad, M.A., M.F.T., M.F.A.
Working with a client/student whose parent
and/or partner suffers from a Personality Disorder
One of the great benefits of learning about psychopathology is
the added insight and empathy it provides into the needs of those
living close to the disturbed person. (See the quote at the start
of this article to get a sense of some of the intense confusion
which may result from having, for example, a Borderline Personality
Disordered mother.) Some children of Personality Disordered parents
develop such disorders themselves. But many do not, and many adult
children of Personality Disordered parents derive great benefit
from the Voice Dialogue way of perceiving and working and may make
excellent facilitators/teachers.
It is not only the practitioners who often lack knowledge and awareness
of these kinds of disturbances; so do many of their clients. As
paradoxical as it may sound, it can actually be a great relief to
someone to discover that some of why their relationship is not working
is because the person they are close to is disturbed. Many things
may fall into place and make sense for the first time. Most people
whose parents or partner have a PD have tried hard and sometimes
for years to reach them, using all the best techniques for honest
communication and conflict resolution but without success. However,
most of what we learn as communications tools are designed to be
used by people with the ability to gain and apply insight and to
have empathy. When those capacities are lacking, attempting to apply
such tools may be prove useless, or even dangerous.
Also, adult children of Personality Disordered parents seem to
have developed certain predictable characteristics and thus seem
to have certain traits in common. Surprisingly often, these traits
are also found among people who choose someone suffering from a
Personality Disorder as a partner, even without having had a PD
parent. (Often, people coming from a home with a PD parent or sibling
select a PD partner; we often choose what ‘feels like home’
even if home was an abusive place.)
You should become suspicious that a client or student may be the
adult child of, and/or partner of, a Personality Disordered person
if several of the following seem to fit. If she seems to:
• have a tendency to feel responsible for others at the expense
of being responsible for herself;
• be unsure about her own value and be excessively dependent
on other people’s opinions;
• be too willing to call into question the validity of her
own appraisal of reality;
• be excessively conscientious;
• be long-suffering, having disowned her own anger;
• have the ability to make an accurate instant assessment
of reality but then, having disowned her own power, delays taking
action (the so-called ‘deer-in-the-headlights syndrome’);
• delay gratification, maybe even forever, having disowned
her own needs;
• lack clear boundaries;
• allow gratitude for small kindnesses to prevent her from
realizing when she’s being neglected or even downright abused;
• have the ability to co-operate but not to delegate;
• be drawn to drama, passion and fairy tales;
• have unresolved abandonment issues of her own.
(List adapted from http://www.bpd411.org/
and Mason & Kreger)
Someone in relationship to a person with a Personality Disorder
needs to know how to protect herself and to set limits effectively.
See the books for lay people in Appendix 1 for important tools for
the children or partners of Personality Disordered people.
If you discover that a client has indeed chosen to be in a relationship
with a person with a Personality Disorder, the first and most crucial
issue to assess is the risk of emotional or physical abuse. This
is particularly critical if there are any children involved. If
their environment is one in which threats, manipulations and acts
of violence are taking place, the healthy parent may need encouragement
to take immediate precautions – which may include taking herself
and the children out of a potentially dangerous situation.
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Table of Contents
Aims of this article
What is ‘normal’?
What is ‘abnormal’
Warning signs that a potential client/student
may suffer from a Personality Disorder
What to do – but first, what NOT to
do
Working with a client/student whose parent
and/or partner suffers from a Personality Disorder
Doing Bonding Pattern work with a client/student
with a Personality Disordered parent and/or partner
About the author
Appendix 1: References and Useful Books
& Websites
Appendix 2: DSM IV – Personality
Disorders
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