| Me
Me Me!
Subpersonality tug of war
by
Astra Niedra
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Imagine this
scene...
You are out shopping with friends and
you have a great day trying on clothes. You see a dress you
are really drawn to and you try it on. Both your friends and
the sales assistant say it looks amazing on you and you feel
you just have to have it. The price of the dress is almost one
month's rent but you know you can put it on your credit card
- so you do. When you arrive home you are still excited with
your dress and you go to sleep feeling somehow revitalized.
The next morning you feel slightly uneasy. You do not know why.
As you get ready for work, you remember the dress and you hold
it up against you, look in the mirror and think "Oh
my god, what have I done?" Now the dress looks ridiculous.
It is definitely not suitable for work and you would never wear
it out. It's just not for you - you don't even have shoes that
go with it. Then you remember the price. Ouch!
Most of us have had this type of experience and we either beat
ourselves up about it or just try to forget it, occasionally
taking the dress out of the wardrobe but always putting it back
in favor of something else. We put it down to being 'one of
those bad decisions' or an impulse buy we had not thought through.
We have all also experienced liking something one minute and
then not being so sure the next. We've all had trouble with
making decisions. When it comes to the big issues in our lives
like career and relationships our conflicting desires become
increasingly problematic.
Revolutionary psychological research shows that the reason for
inner conflicts and situations like the dress example above
is that our sense of identity is not quite as simple as we have
assumed. When you say 'I' or 'me' you are in fact referring
to a different part of your personality at different times.
Each of us has a number of subpersonalitites
or 'selves' that make up our whole personality together. Different
selves assume our identity throughout the day, each one taking
care of particular aspects of our lives.
When you are at work your organised self might be dominant;
when you are having a coffee or drink with friends a more carefree
self emerges; when you are on holidays your lazy self has its
turn; and when you are with your partner you probably access
your sensual and sexual selves.
We all have our
'favorites' which are those selves we use most of the time
and by which other people recognise us. These are called 'primary
selves' while the parts of our personality we hide or are
not aware of are our 'disowned selves.'
All the selves within us have their own feelings, thoughts,
opinions and needs - and they do not always agree. This is
why you might feel conflicted about your job, for instance.
The part of you who likes order and predictability probably
loves it that you work nine-to-five and do the same thing
every day. This feels safe and comfortable for that part of
you. In contrast, the part of you who loves adventure,
excitement and constant change feels awful in that same
job. The experience you get from this is that sometimes you
like your job while at other times you hate it - it depends
on which self's thoughts and feelings are dominant in you
at the time.
This way of thinking about the personality was developed
by two psychologist from California, USA, Drs. Hal and Sidra
Stone. Their theory is called the Psychology of Selves and
the Aware Ego and its roots are in Jungian psychology.
This understanding of the human psyche is not widely accepted
in traditional psychology in Australia but it is gradually
infiltrating mainstream psychological thought in the US and
in Europe.
The technique that was born from Hal and Sidra Stone's
exploration of the selves in each other's personalities
is Voice Dialogue. Voice Dialogue is a way to speak directly
with the various selves within you. It is a very simple
process where one person literally interviews the selves
in another person. When you decide to speak with, for example,
your adventurous self, you move to a different position
in the room and then just talk. The self talking from this
new position will be your adventurous self. There is no
hypnosis required for this - it just happens. The person
interviewing the self stays in the same place for the whole
time and asks the adventurous self about how it feels, what
it likes to do, whether it gets expression in the person's
life, and so on.
When the conversation is over, the person who has just been
expressing their adventurous self moves back to their original
position. In this place you would feel different from when you
first sat down to do the process. You have a sense of having
more 'breathing space' as though you have separated a part of
your personality out of the mass of selves who are usually crowded
together and there is now more space for 'you' to emerge.
The Stones' call this space the 'Aware Ego'. In traditional
thinking the ego is seen as the part of the personality that
makes decisions. In this new way of thinking, the ego is really
a group of selves that you identify with. Once you have separated
from a self and have an awareness of this self and how it functions
in you, then you have an Aware Ego.
So what is the point of all this? Why think of yourself as a
group of selves rather than just one entity? Think back to the
example of shopping for clothes. If you apply this theory to
that situation you can see how the different parts of you might
like different clothes. Often when you do something that is
either exciting or relaxing, such as shopping, you let go a
little of the part of your personality who is usually in charge
- your primary self. This leaves an opening for other parts
of you to emerge, in this case a part that likes extravagant
and flamboyant clothes.
So if you usually buy clothes you can wear to work - which for
many people means fairly low-key items that are easy to mix
and match, when this other part of you emerges and sees something
it likes and want to have, you feel that you love this item.
However, such feelings are those of the extravagant self in
you. The next day when you are getting dressed for work, your
primary self would be the one getting dressed. that part of
you sees what you have bought and says 'I can't wear this!'
By becoming aware of your different selves, and by having an
Aware Ego in relation to them, you can sit in the middle of
a pair of opposite selves and make your own decision.
So when you are shopping you would feel the excitement of your
extravagant self when it sees something it wants to buy, but
at the same time you would feel your more consevative self tell
you that you need something to wear to work. It then becomes
your responsibility to make the decision - what you decide will
take into consideration the views of both conflicting selves.
There is no right or wrong decision. You might decide to buy
one outfit for each part or buy only the extravagant clothes
while being aware that you are disappointing the more conservative
part of yourself.
Buying clothing consciously instead of blindly going along with
the wishes of one self stops any self-criticism later from the
part of you who missed out on what it wanted to buy. Basically,
you now have a real choice rather than having just one part
of you making your decisions at any given time. You have access
to the opinion and feelings of opposite selves and you get to
decide.
The other major benefit of understanding that there are a number
of different parts to your personality is in regard to relationships
- both personal and professional. A basic guideline you can
use is that if someone irritates you and you feel judgmental
about them, then they are expressing a quality you do not accept
in yourself.
According to this theory, the solution is to find and embrace
that quality in yourself. If you take up this challenge, you
may find that your relationships become easier as you recognise
in other people those qualities you have disowned. You could
naturally become more understanding of other people and not
be as quick to judge them. Other benefits can be discovering
that many different facets of your own personality and being
able to have more agency over how you behave and feel.
As you can probably imagine, the different selves in each of
us relate with other people in their own particular way. This
is why sometime you can feel confused about your relationships.
One day you admire a quality in your partner or friend and the
next day it annoys you. By learning about how the selves in
you think and feel and how they interact with other people,
you might begin to understand your relationship patterns and
your relationships could take on a whole new dimension.
For more information about relationships and Voice Dialogue,
see Astra Niedra's new book The Perfect Relationship - The
Ten Essential Steps to Make Your Relationships Work. It
is available on this site, and from http://www.voicedialogue.com
and from bookstores nationally. |
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Harold
Bishop Vs The Fonz
Perhaps you have more in common with Harold Bishop than
you thought. Ever patrolled your neighborhood laying
down the law? Or are you too busy jumping sharks with
The Fonz?
Now that you're thinking more about your own Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde, follow Astra Niedra's simple Voice Dialogue
diagram to see which subpersonality types sound familiar.
Try to identify your primary and disowned selves from
the chart below. With this in mind, you've got a better
chance of the better half winning the tug of war for
the credit card. |
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| Someone identified with rules will
follow the rules of their family and social group. They
will choose a lifestyle that fits in with family and
cultural expectations and they will do well in that
field. Identifying with this subpersonality leads to
acceptance by your family and the wider community to
which you belong. |
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| The rebel breaks the rules! This
personality does the opposite of what is expected by
their family and culture. Rebels find their own way
of doing things and often rock the boat. The rebel likes
to think of itself as having no rules but it does have
one golden rule which is to break all the rules. |
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| The observing and cautious self
likes to suss out a situation before it takes action.
It needs to understand how something works before it
participates. It stands back and observes and can be
seen as shy but really just likes to know what is going
on. |
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| The spontaneious self jumps in
and participates and then thinks about what it has done
later, if at all. It engages with people instantly and
takes action quickly. It does not plan or consider consequences
of its actions. It is a very 'enjoy the moment' self. |
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| The Pleaser is a great personality
for others to have around because it makes other people
feel so good. It is considerate, kind and helpful. However,
it does not get its own needs met and can feel drained
from all the energy it gives to others. |
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| The selfish self considers only
itself. It makes sure its needs are met - it always
comes first. It does not care about other people's needs
and has no qualms about stepping over others for its
own interests. The selfish self rarely becomes tired
or sick because it makes sure its needs are always met,
and it does set great boundaries. |
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| This is the force which propels
us to action. Someone with a strong pusher will get
many things done. The pusher is constantly on the go
and is always thinking about what needs doing next.
Nothing is ever finished - there is always more to do
on its list. It leads to high achievement and high energy
but unchecked leaves a person stressed, tense and unable
to relax. Pushers are unable to enjoy their achieve-ments
because they never stop long enough to do so. |
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| The being self is still. It is
focused in the moment. There is nothing to do and nowhere
to go. This is a restful place where you can recharge
your batteries. Time seems to stand still and you feel
relaxed and alert if you are a being personality. This
is a nice balance to the pusher but if you are always
being you are not doing and therefore will not get much
done. |
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| The perfectionist makes sure everything
is perfect. Perfectionists look over everything they
do countless times and they keep improving. They can
stand in front of the mirror for hours doing their makeup
and they can get stuck on one task at work, re-doing
and revising until everything is just right. Perfectionists
find it difficult to finish things and can take so much
time doing one small thing. |
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| The slob does not have any standards.
Everything is fine as it is. Mistakes are not a problem,
mess is not noticed. You would not want this self performing
brain surgery but it is easy-going and relaxed compared
to the uptightness of an absolute perfectionist. |
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| If you are personal then you connect
with people warmly and openly. You like being in close
contact with people and you share your feelings and
thoughts easily. People feel like you are present with
them. This can feel good but it also leaves you with
no boundaries and can drain your energy. |
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| If you are impersonal you are cool
and more distant. You connect with people but on a more
mental level. You can discuss ideas and share thoughts
but not feelings. Impersonality gives you objectivity
and allows you to maintain you own space. A great self
to use in business and when you do not want to take
on other people's 'stuff'. |
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| We all have one an unfortunately
most of us become victim to our own inner critic. The
critic points out our weaknesses, flaws, mistakes, and
generally anything less than perfect about us - yet
perfection, even by its own admission - we can never
achieve. A great friend of the perfectionist and pusher,
the critic keeps us trying harder and harder. then directed
outwards, this self is a judge. The judge looks on others
and does to them what the critic does internally to
us. |
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| This part of us has wisdom, it
is supportive and it is on our side. It sees the lessons
we can learn from our lives and reveals these to us.
Being identified with this self, you would be compassionate
towards yourself and others. You might be seen as a
wise being who is full of acceptance and good advice. |
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| The spiritual self is concerned
with matters of spirit. It may have experienced extraordinary
things and have a connection with spirit, or it may
have a strong desire for spiritual experiences and so
follows particular practices to lead to such experiences,
or it may be expressed in a more traditional religious
way, following the rules of an organised religion. Either
way, its focus is on a god or ultimate energy of some
kind, and it often does not value very highly everyday
matters of life on earth. |
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| The earthly self is interested
in the here and now. It is concerned with the material
world, but is not necessarily materialistic, and usually
identifies with being atheist. Philosophically it is
more of an empiricist, valuing direct experience through
the physical senses. The earthly self is also concerned
with very earthly things like the environment, sustaining
life, the practicalities of life such as food, shelter
and family life. |
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| The feeling
self feels. It picks up what other people feel, it is
affected by events and people, and it expresses emotions
easily. The feeling self is more connected to the body
than the mind - feelings are often felt throughout your
whole body. The thoughts of the feeling self are mainly
about feelings and they can be muddled by the feelings
that accompany them. |
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| If you are identified with the
mind, you think. A mental person analyses, woks out
solutions, thinks abstractly. The mind is impersonal
and objective. It is not concerned with the experience
of feelings and relating to others, but it can analyse
feelings and relationships. We all have a mind but some
of us are more mental than others - in more ways than
one! |
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| The outgoing self is focused outside itself. It interacts
with people easily and talks out its ideas with others
rather than spending time looking inward. It is friendly
and very comfortable with other people. It is confident
and sure of itself. It has a strong, resilient nature. |
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| The shy personality is not confident with other people
or in groups. It is quiet and soft and more sweet. They
shy self is introverted and feels as though it is hiding.
It is often perceived more negatively than the outgoing
self in our culture but it has the qualities of sweetness
and sensitivity. |
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