|
POLARITIES IN PERSONAL COACHING
By
Liesbeth Halbertsma and Robert Stamboliev
Ms. Drs. L.H. Halbertsma is a management consultant and coach.
She majored in Andragology and was employed as a consultant by Boer
& Croon. She was also a director of De Baak Management Center,
among other institutions. She is especially interested in thinking
in dilemmas.
R. Stamboliev MA is a trainer and coach. He is also the director
of the Institute for Transformational Psychology (www.transformatiepsychologie.nl).
He is an advocate of the use of Voice Dialogue in The Netherlands
and other European countries. He obtained his Master’s degree
in Psychology in the state of California, in the US.
In this article, we mean to show how, during coaching sessions,
people may become aware of their strong points as well as the related
opposites. We will supply a theoretical framework and demonstrate
the working-method by means of two practical examples.
A theoretical orientation
Before describing the actual process of coaching, we will first
explain how thinking and acting during the process is theoretically
oriented.
Since Jung has formulated his theories, we are familiar with the
idea that a human being consists not of one single ‘I’,
but rather of many different ‘I’s’ (parts, sub personalities,
archetypes, energy patterns). Voice Dialogue, a method that was
developed by psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone (a married couple),
is based on the idea that these different parts, these subpersonalities
can in actual fact be approached one by one.
Every subpersonality has its own willpower, its thoughts and feelings,
and its own voice (Stone & Stone, 1989, e.a.).
Another important principle, used by the Stones, is the arrangement
of the parts in polarities. On the one pole we find the parts a
person has learned to use in order to survive, for example the controlling
part, or the tendency to perfectionism; his critical abilities;
and generally speaking, the rational energies that man can work
with, and make use of, in order to deal with life. Another example
of a part we use to survive, is the part that is being nice to people,
the so-called ‘Pleaser’.
Every one of these parts, or poles, has an opposite that we are
often not aware of, or that we have repressed. The parts situated
on that side, are the opposites of the survival parts. For instance,
opposite our ratio we may find our more emotional energies, opposite
our power and independence there may be our needs, our weaknesses
and our vulnerability. Opposite the Pleaser there would be the repressed,
selfish side of us.
It appears again and again that, as human beings, we cannot function
properly, neither in private, nor in professional life, if we do
not understand these repressed parts of our selves. At a certain
point we will discover that we lack something, when we live by means
of our survival strategies only. This applies to us as individuals,
but also to those individuals who work together within the framework
of an organization, and thus hold on to a culture of organization
in which only a certain type of behavior is appreciated.
At a certain point we will discover that we lack something, when
we live by means of our survival strategies only (Halbertsma, 2000).
In fact, this means that we do not understand our own ‘disowned’
parts, nor the aspects of these parts that we encounter in other
people. We do not get on well with the other person because we do
not recognize these aspects in ourselves, and in our contacts we
are confronted with barriers.
In Ofman’s theory with regard to working with the Core Quadrant,
this is represented by the concept of ‘allergy’. A source
of human development may often be found in converting this allergy
into a personal ‘challenge’ (Ofman, 1992).
A distinguishing characteristic of ‘Voice Dialogue’ is
its method of literally ‘giving a voice’ to the different
parts of the personality, next to working on a growing awareness
which ‘positions’ itself ‘above’ the different
parts and may give them direction with increasing awareness (‘Aware
Ego’).
Experiencing imbalance
One of the opposites turns out to be excluded, whereas we need
both poles in our lives.
We experience an imbalance within ourselves, we feel tired, or we
are the victim of a ‘burn-out’. This gives rise to questions
as: how do we go on? Or: is this all there is? Am I becoming estranged
from my environment? Is it possible to restore contact with my co-workers
or my partner, which makes communication flow again? Do I need somebody
to help me with it?
In our lives and in our work we are confronted by many issues. Sometimes
we look for a coach to help us work on such an issue. In our experience,
many of the questions people come up with, are linked to what we
have described above. The question one asks oneself is the result
of the imbalance between two sides of one’s self. One of the
parts turns out to be excluded, whereas we need both poles in our
lives.
Our strong points, for example, will increasingly be felt as oppressive,
and our undeveloped parts as missing from our lives. We experience
both sides as a field of tension between two poles, between two
aspects of ourselves that appear to exclude each other.
Discovering energy yet again: Voice
Dialogue
Making people aware of the connection between the two poles, will
rebalance them, which generates a lot of energy.
Awareness by itself often leads to recovery; people will break out
of an impasse, or they become aware of an involuntary tendency to
shift between the (extreme) opposites within themselves. They will
discover that they need both sides for a healthy mental life.
Using the Voice Dialogue method we will achieve more than just awareness:
we will have the possibility to really experience the energies of
a polarity, to deal with them, and to finally integrate them in
our consciousness (Stamboliev, 1989).
The method:
- gives a subpersonality its ‘home’ and a ‘voice’;
- offers an opportunity to experience it completely, including its
voice, its feelings and its posture;
- makes way for a more aware dealing with the subpersonality; and
- contributes to the integration of the different personalities
within us.
We will now further examine the coaching process by means of the
polarities derived from two practical examples. The situations described
have ‘really happened’, but they have been compiled from
different events, so that they cannot be traced back to concrete
clients anymore.
Example 1: Being nice
Marian is a woman in her early fifties. Her question concerns the
problems she experiences in working together with her co-director.
It causes her a lot of stress. The co-directorship is the result
of a recent reorganization. Marian describes her colleague as an
authoritarian, manipulating personality, who is ambitious and not
friendly. In our first session we make an inventory of Marian’s
values; they consist of cooperation, openness, supportiveness and
recognition. So, her values turn out to be the opposite pole of
the values she attributes to her colleague. Marian says she wants
to learn how to deal with this.
We start with one of her own values, i.e. ‘being nice’.
She says she likes to be nice to others. Moreover, it turns out
to be a survival mechanism that predominates in stressful situations.
In the second session we examine what purpose ‘being nice’
has served in her life up till now.
Marian will now choose a different position in the room (sitting,
or standing up) which she feels is suited to the part in her we
now want to address. By literally ‘giving a voice’ to
this side of herself, a number of things will become clear. She
tells us why this part is present, and what it has meant to her.
It will also become clear why this part is defending her, and against
what. In her case, the origin could be found with her parents, who
were quarreling all the time. She wanted to protect them, and herself,
from this, by putting an emphasis on being nice. In this way she
becomes aware of the fact that ‘being nice’ is an important
part in her, which she has developed strongly.
This part of her has been listened to carefully, and Marian has
experienced how she feels when it is allowed to take up all the
space. That helps in becoming aware of it, and recognizing it, in
daily life. After all, we are often dealing with subconscious patterns
of which we can become more aware.
In the next session we pay attention to her vulnerability, which
was protected by the survival mechanism of always being nice. If
she is able to consciously take care of her own vulnerability, this
will remove the sting from her conditioned behavior. Her nice side
can stop working overtime and will be able to relax more.
This process by itself creates an opportunity to examine the less
developed, ‘disowned’ part in a next session.
This part is exactly the opposite of ‘being nice’ (and
therefore the other side of the polarity), and we can label it as
‘setting limits’.
It is given its own voice, too, and it will become clear that this
part is definitely there, but hardly gets a chance to express itself.
If it is allowed to be more present, Marian will have less stress
and more energy.
By consciously learning to feel and experience both sides and becoming
aware of the differences, Marian has more choice now to be nice
or to set limits.
Presently it becomes clear that her collaboration with her colleague
is improving because she sets more limits, which makes her more
autonomous. She chooses not to discuss the teamwork itself with
her colleague, because she feels he will not be willing to do so.
In the end, she prefers another position to her present one, because
working together with her colleague continues to be a problem. But
it is now an aware choice, not one made out of powerlessness.
Example 2: The hard worker
Marten has achieved a lot in life. He is 35 years old, has successfully
set up a business in the communications sector, and employs twenty
people.
He would like an answer to the question why he is always tired and
lacking energy, and out of inspiration. He has been referred to
us by a friend who has gone through the same thing, and is familiar
with working with polarities.
When Marten arrives for his first session, he is not far from having
a nervous breakdown.
Together, we examine which values are important to him. They turn
out to be more than a few, for his strongly developed sides are:
- working hard, perfectionism and taking one’s responsibility;
- being liked.
Jointly, we establish that this combination of values offers every
chance of having a nervous breakdown, and may explain why Marten
is feeling the way he does.
Next, he gives a ‘voice’ to one of his developed parts,
the ‘hard worker’.
By engaging in conversation with this part, it becomes clear where
the origin of the ‘hard worker’ lies, and what makes him
tick. As a result, Marten will later on be able to better recognize
this side of himself, as it appears. And something else happens,
too, by giving a ‘voice’ to this part. Giving this side
of himself all the space in the world, will allow him to take himself
less seriously. It is as if the ‘voice’ exhausts itself
and permits his opposite to appear.
Marten then experiences his other, less developed side. He feels
sad and tired, and sees no way out. Nevertheless, he decides to
keep examining this part and thus develop it further. He will spend
more time doing his own things, doing nothing and being alone. At
this point it is a conscious choice for him, something completely
different from having a nervous breakdown and involuntarily ‘shifting’
to the other side by becoming ill and powerless. In this way he
learns to take care of his vulnerability by himself, instead of
letting his primary survival pattern deal with it.
In the next session, Marten examines how it will be if he is more
often at home, taking time off for himself, having less social obligations.
Will people still like him? For that was one of his values, too:
‘being liked’.
He wants to try to find a balance, within a ‘healthy egoism’.
We list Marten’s polarities once more:
- working hard, perfectionism and taking responsibility, as opposed
to ‘letting it happen’ and ‘letting go’, or
‘not everything needs to be finished all the time’;
- the need to be liked, as opposed to ‘setting limits’
and ‘putting yourself in first place’.
The primary parts (the concepts on the left side) of Marten do not
have to disappear, on the contrary, they belong to him. But having
too much of them is not healthy, as he has experienced. It appears
important to find a balance with the other side, the right side.
This becomes possible because Marten has become aware of his vulnerability
and his fears, which were protected by the survival pattern and
which he can now deal with himself. Marten decides to keep the weekends
for himself, to delegate more at work, plan his time with more discretion
(for instance, limit the amount of business dinners) and in general
have much more fun.
Lessons for the coach
For coaches, thinking in terms of polarities and examining which
parts are more in the foreground than others, is a useful tool in
establishing a diagnosis.
When one part is more developed than the other, the cause can often
be found in our childhood; a certain type of behavior has been applauded
and rewarded, to the detriment of other types of behavior. Consequently,
we develop the behavior that was rewarded, and we apply it in our
lives with success. In this way we ‘survive’ difficult
situations and protect ourselves and our vulnerability. Sometimes,
we base the choice for our professional lives on it. The disadvantage
is that the opposite of the developed behavior hardly comes into
the picture.
By becoming aware of this, we create more opportunities for choice,
and energy is released; we develop less allergies and therefore
encounter less conflicts in life.
Which are the questions we should ask?
1. Which side is developed, and is it possible for the person concerned
to become aware of it, experience it?
2. Can we see the underlying vulnerability that is being protected
by the developed side, and accept it?
3. Can we put the less developed side in the picture?
4. Can we subsequently take care of our vulnerability and choose
out of awareness between both sides of a polarity, instead of being
controlled by an unconscious but predominating pattern?
This type of ‘personal coaching’ is aimed at the development
of the personality, at the balance within a person, at his motives
to do something or to refrain from doing it, and at improving his
vitality. It is a suitable form of coaching for people who dare
look at themselves and do not find this threatening. We have discovered
that there is no connection with the level of education of the persons
concerned. We always start with someone’s strongly developed
parts. It provides a feeling of security, and makes it easier to
look at less developed parts later on. This form of coaching is
by itself not suited to learning new skills, but the persons concerned
do appear to start acting differently because of a new awareness.
It was already present in the person, but can now find its way out,
as it were.
In our experience, people typically need two to five sessions, each
session taking between one and two hours.
This method of working with people makes specific demands on the
coaching. Because a facilitator is required to give space to each
voice in the other person, we, as facilitators, must be aware of
the fact that similar parts in ourselves will be touched upon during
a session. Sometimes we embrace those parts and recognize them,
but at other times they are our own ‘disowned’ selves.
We must be very aware of this, otherwise transference will take
place. Working with Voice Dialogue requires additional training,
apart from professional experience as a trainer or coach.
- Halbertsma, E.H. (2000). Dilemma's
te lijf. Assen, van Gorcum, 112 pp.
- Halbertsma, E.H. & D.Ratering (2001). Organisatiebelang
en individueel belang, balanceren in een dilemma, HRD Thema, Jaargang
2, nr. 4, pp.51-59.
- Mulder, L. (2001). Een aanpak voor duurzame gedragsverandering,
Opleiding & Ontwikkeling, nr. 12, pp. 38-41.
- Ofman, D. (1992). Bezieling en kwaliteit in organisaties. Utrecht,
Kosmos-Z&K Uitgevers, 206 pp.
- Stamboliev, R. (1989). The Energetics of Voice Dialogue, Mendocino,
LifeRhythm..
- Stone, H. & S. (1989). Embracing Our Selves. Novato, CA.,
Nataraj Publishing.
- Stone, H. & S. (1991). Embracing Each Other. Novato, Nataraj
Publishing.
- Stone, H. & S. (1993). Embracing Your lnner Critic. San
Francisco, Harper.
|
