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THE DANCE OF THE SELVES IN RELATIONSHIP
by
Hal Stone, PhD & Sidra Stone,
PhD
There is a natural ebb and flow
in relationship, a movement between intimacy and distance. Even the
most ideal relationships have moments in which intimacy is interrupted
and good will is in short supply. As we studied the rhythms of relationship
and these periods of discomfort, we discovered certain predictable
patterns in all of them. We see these patterns as the dance of the
selves in relationship, a dance in which the selves, rather than the
people, interact. (These selves were discussed in our articles in
the two previous issues of Psychotherapy.) We named these interactions "bonding
patterns" because they are automatic, archetypal parent/child
interactions, like the bonding that takes place between a parent
and an infant. These bonding patterns are our natural instinctual
patterns for receiving and giving nurture and love. There is nothing
pathological about them. They are apparent in all relationships.
We will be using a married couple to illustrate our approach, but
please keep in mind that the same interactions can take place between
two people of the same sex, between two people not in a primary
relationship, between parents and children, between employers and
employees, and even between two strangers meeting for the first
time. In short, bonding patterns can occur between any two people,
or any two groups of people.
We will use Bernie and Ginny, a married couple, to illustrate
the bonding patterns in this section. When bonding patterns are
operating in their positive aspect, they might well be overlooked.
If Bernie's "Responsible Father" is bonded into Ginny's
"Compliant Daughter", the fact that there are selves are
in relationship rather than Ginny and Bernie might well go unnoticed.
People would observe that Bernie seems to take a lot of responsibility
and that Ginny usually follows his lead, but this would not necessarily
seem problematical. A positive bonding pattern is neither good nor
bad, it just is. We call it a positive bonding pattern because it
does not feel painful.
However, because it is a pair of selves and not people
who are interacting, there is little choice available to the individuals
involved and the interpersonal interactions are stereotypical. In
this particular positive bonding pattern, for instance, Bernie is
not able to set appropriate boundaries. Instead, his "Responsible
Father" is required to meet all of Ginny's needs as they arise.
Ginny would not be able to set appropriate boundaries either, but
is required to be appreciative and to defer to Bernie. This might
be quite comfortable or it might begin to feel somewhat restrictive.
As long as this positive bonding pattern lasts neither Bernie nor
Ginny will react negatively to one another. Instead, each will ignore
any subtle signs of discontent and will remain relentlessly positive
about both the relationship and about the other.
The negative bonding pattern is extremely painful, however.
One feels betrayed, judgmental, alone, misunderstood, helpless,
hopeless, and angry. It often seems that the only way out of these
bad feelings is to end the relationship. If properly understood,
however, the discomfort of the negative bonding pattern provides
us with both information and a great motivation to learn and to
grow. It is important to note that both the positive and the negative
bonding patterns require two participants. There is no such event
as a bonding pattern with only one participant, it is a dance that
must be danced by two.
Let us follow the relationship of Ginny and Bernie in
its natural movement from a positive to a negative bonding pattern.
One Monday Bernie goes to work after a lovely weekend and discovers
that his business has suffered an unexpected loss. He is distraught,
but, since he is an independent, reasonable and responsible man,
he overlooks his feelings of disappointment and helplessness. He
mobilizes all of his resources and spends his day researching alternative
plans of action. When Bernie returns home that night and finds Ginny
on the telephone in an animated conversation with her friend Mary,
he feels unexpectedly irritated and begins to withdraw into himself.
He goes into the next room, picks up the newspaper and begins to
read it.
Ginny notices that Bernie doesn't come over to kiss
her as usual and, sensing his withdrawal, she quickly ends her conversation.
She comes over to him, feeling somewhat apologetic and says hello.
He barely answers her greeting and she asks him what is wrong. In
a cool, distant voice he says: "Nothing is wrong." Ginny
has the distinct feeling that Bernie is displeased with her but
she is not aware of the reason. She offers to bring him a cup of
coffee, something he usually enjoys, but he says: "No, thank
you." in the same distant voice. Ginny is beside herself, trying
to think of how to reinstate the weekend's good feelings and how
to make everything the way that it was.
Bernie watches Ginny's efforts to draw him closer to
her and he thinks to himself that she is really quite childlike
and ineffectual. He wonders why he has not noticed this quality
in her before. He finds himself thinking about all the responsibility
he takes in the relationship and he begins to resent his role as
the responsible one. He looks at Ginny and notices that she is a
bit careless about her appearance. He finds himself comparing her
to his office manager who is always immaculately groomed. Ginny
definitely suffers in this comparison.
Ginny sits down near Bernie and tries to read her section
of the newspaper and look relaxed. She steals a glance at him and
notices for the first time that he reminds her of her father who
was emotionally unavailable and withdrawn much of the time. She
wonders to herself how she could have overlooked this quality in
Bernie. As she thinks about Bernie's similarity to her father, she
becomes aware that they are both perfectionistic and demanding.
In fact, the more she looks at Bernie, the less she likes him. As
Bernie continues to read his newspaper, he finds himself getting
more and more uncomfortable in Ginny's presence.
All this is going on as Ben and Ginny sit quietly together.
Nothing more is said. We would like to note here that in some relationships,
these thoughts are spoken aloud. But silent or spoken, the feelings
are unavoidably present and the energetic interaction is in full
swing. The dance of the selves has moved into a new step and the
negative bonding pattern, with its attendant misery, has begun.
As a therapist, how does one approach this? First, we
would like to reiterate our view that this is a perfectly natural
interaction in relationship. There is nothing pathological in this
bonding pattern and much can be learned in terms of both relationship
skills and personal growth. In order to understand these bonding
patterns and to learn from them, one must ask the following questions:
What are the selves involved in both the positive and negative
bonding patterns? Another way of putting this is: "What is
the form of the bonding pattern?"
What triggered this negative bonding pattern? Determine what
has happened to turn the positive bonding pattern into a negative
one.
What are the disowned selves that Ginny and Bernie are mirroring
to one another?
Let us consider the form of the bonding pattern first.
As we have said, a bonding pattern represents parent/child interactions
between two people, rather than interactions between two Aware Egos.
In this negative bonding pattern, we see that Bernie's Judgmental
Withdrawn Father is bonded into Ginny's Guilty, Pleasing Daughter.
On the other side of the bonding pattern, we see that Ginny's Judgmental
Mother is bonded into Bernie's Inadequate Son. Ginny moves back
and forth quickly between her Pleasing Daughter and Judgmental Mother.
Bernie moves rapidly back and forth between his Withdrawn Judgmental
Father and his Inadequate Son. This bonding pattern would be diagrammed
as follows:
Now, turning to question number two. Disowned vulnerability
is always the trigger for bonding patterns, either positive or negative
. When we as individuals are not responsive to our own needs and
do not care properly for our own vulnerable inner children, they
will attach elsewhere for the care they require. It is as simple
as that! In this example, we can see that Bernie disowned his vulnerability
when he suffered a disappointment at work. His Responsible Father
primary self came to his rescue in order to tackle the situation.
By the time Bernie came home he had totally forgotten
his upset, but although his vulnerability was disowned, it was still
operating underneath. Bernie's Inner Child was counting on Ginny's
Good Mother to take care of him but Bernie did not know about this.
When he entered the house and Ginny was on the phone and not available,
Bernie had a sense of betrayal. But again he disowned his vulnerability.
After all, he was a grown man and Ginny was entitled to speak to
her friend Mary! So instead of telling Ginny about his feelings
and his difficult day, he withdrew into his Withdrawn Judgmental
Father and cut off all energetic connection between them. This is
an automatic and natural response when there is no Aware Ego present
to speak for the underlying feelings.
Ginny, in turn, disowned her feelings
of vulnerability and became a Guilty Daughter when she felt Bernie's
withdrawal. With no Aware Ego available to her, she tried to mollify
him from Guilty Daughter rather than talk with him as a woman about
her feelings and perceptions. When this attempt at peacemaking did
not work, Ginny moved into the other half of the bonding pattern
and became Judgmental Mother.
Question number three involves disowned selves. We have
talked about disowned selves in our earlier articles. These selves
represent energies, or parts of ourselves, that are disowned or
repressed in the growing up process. As each of us moves towards
wholeness, there is a requirement to reintroduce these selves into
our lives in a responsible fashion. This does not mean that we must
become these selves, but it does mean that we embrace them and discover
what they have to offer us. It is interesting to note that the discomfort
of our bonding patterns propels us into the next stage of growth
and our judgments of one another when we are involved in these bonding
patterns show us the nature of this growth, i.e., the disowned selves
we must embrace.
These disowned selves are like heat-seeking missiles
that come back to us through our relationships and provide the fuel
that intensifies the bonding pattern.
Let us look at Bernie and Ginny to see how this works.
Observe what qualities they are judging in one another. Bernie judges
Ginny's need for connection and affection, her lack of responsibility,
her ineffectuality, and her lack of attention to detail. These are
his disowned selves. His primary selves are more withdrawn, impersonal,
responsible, controlling and perfectionistic, just the qualities that
Ginny is judging. Ginny's primary selves are personal, relaxed, not
needing to be in control, and able to receive from others. We might
note that the judgments as stated by the primary selves make the disowned
selves sound negative, but this "bitter" medicine is just
what is required.
As a therapist, you can see how this relationship is
a great teacher for both Bernie and Ginny and how the analysis of
the bonding pattern presents them with the lessons they need to
learn. We can also see how easy it would be for Ginny and Bernie
would grow further and further apart if they were to continue to
look at one another and judge their disowned selves rather than
step back to see what there is to learn about them.
There are numerous ways in which you as a therapist
can use the knowledge of bonding patterns in your work. You can
use these ideas subtly, integrating them into your work without
discussing them directly, or you can work with clients using the
bonding patterns and the concepts of the psychology of selves as
your basic format.
We have found that the introduction of these ideas to
a client is immediately helpful. This is a no-fault, non-pathological
way to look at relationship which can cut through a good deal of
defensiveness and resistance and allow you as the therapist to work
with basic issues immediately. The underlying assumptions are: (1)
It takes two people to dance and (2) All bonding patterns are natural
events that will reappear from time to time. (3) Relationship is
a teacher. We have found that clients who read Embracing Each Other
or listen to our audiocassette tape set "Making Relationships
Work for You" have an excellent frame of reference for subsequent
work in therapy.
We suggest that when you work with an individual or
with a couple concerning issues of relationship, you map their bonding
patterns as we have illustrated in the previous section. This map
would include the three aspects of the bonding pattern:(1) the form
of the bonding pattern which shows the selves that are interacting,
(2) the vulnerability that triggered the bonding pattern, and (3)
the disowned selves that are being mirrored. Once your client or
clients have this map available, they have access to a great deal
of information about themselves and their relationships. This actually
creates an objective awareness of what is happening in their relationship
even if they are not yet in a position to exercise choice from an
Aware Ego and take appropriate action.
You are now in a position to work directly with the
selves using Voice Dialogue or whatever other method you prefer.
It is extremely powerful to work with a self when both people involved
in the relationship are present. For instance, a therapist might
work with Bernie's Responsible Father, his primary self. As she
watches this self , Ginny will discover what it looks like and sounds
like, how it developed to protect Bernie's vulnerability and how
it operates in his life and in their relationship.
Ginny will also get the chance to experience the difference
between the feeling of intimacy that the Responsible Father provides
and the intimacy of the Aware Ego, a far different experience. It
is difficult to describe this latter intimacy, but it involves a
total energetic linkage between two people. If you have not had
the experience of this energetic linkage, we might suggest that
you contact one of the Voice Dialogue facilitators in Australia
or come to one of the workshops we will be offering in Australia.
After the separation from the primary selves and the
selves that become involved in the bonding patterns, the client
is ready for an exploration of the disowned selves that are carried
by his or her partner. This is one of the most important teachings
of relationship. Each relationship offers us this gift of growth,
of embracing our disowned selves.
Last, but certainly not least this work gives the therapist
the opportunity to facilitate the vulnerable Inner Child. It is
this child that holds the key to intimacy. When the sensitivity
of the Inner Child is available, a profound energetic linkage is
possible. When this sensitivity and vulnerability is not available,
the contact between two people is always more rational and shallow.
The facilitation of the Inner Child in the safety of a conjoint
session is a deeply moving, almost holy, experience for both people
in the relationship. The observing partner is usually very deeply
touched. However, the therapist must be aware of the possibility
that the observing partner might be triggered into a feeling of
responsibility for the Inner Child being facilitated. The fact
that this child is nobody else's responsibility should be stressed.
The therapist who has received training in the energetics of
relationships can also work directly with the energetics of the
bonding patterns we have described. This involves training clients
to master their own energy fields, to control the actual energetic
boundaries that surround them, to learn how to link with and how
to release one another, and to learn how to intensify or lessen
the power of the various selves. These are all very valuable lessons.
In Closing
Relationships challenge us to grow. Each relationship carries within
it the guidance for our further development and growth as well as
the seeds of its own destruction. We as therapists are in the position
to move deeply into the mysteries and complexities of these relationships,
to map the territories to be explored and to use the information
provided by relationships to guide our clients in developing their
full potential. |
